I looked at my post this day last year. It's so very sad. I can't believe in many ways a year later I'm still here. I truly believe I died three times last year in my bed. I can't explain it. Other than I felt like I was dying and each time I woke up in piss. I felt strangely dead and also alive. Oddly the first thing I did thinking I was in some other place was check to make sure I could have an orgasm. Strange. But I still could. I don't know what causes my brain to think this way. But it's the truth. I don't wish to be a study case but I also don't wish to be dead and everyone say oh poor Tina she died and we don't really know why. I can tell you that your treatment of me doesn't help.
All my life I've been tortured in some way. Whether by chances circumstances or people themselves I've always been trapped in torment. Drinking did this to me also. My mind does it too. Every thing has been a challenge. My ex seem to always imply in some way it was my attitude or expectations of others that left me feeling this way. He always frustrated me. He never seemed to hear me when I'd tell him about the real reasons I was losing all my faith. He still doesn't. He says what days do you want to see your son. Like I'm some moron. He says it like I am not cooperating. I say. I want to see him like the agreement says. But that never happens. Torment.
When I first got a bra I was still in elementary school. No one else was wearing one but me. I was tormented endlessly. People constantly pulling my bra and snapping it. Calling me names. It was then I started to recall slouching. Then everyone made fun of my posture. Funny now what all these bra bullies may think of my breasts. But the damage internally was already done. All these series of hurtful and painful moments all the way back including the confusing sexual verbal and physical abuse all my life has added up. And I just broke from it. And sadly it just still continues. And sadly I'm still very broken.
Can you believe a grown man would take my sacred painting to the dump and chick it just like that???? A man who saw me naked. Who shared my intimate nature discarded me like a piece of trash. And you all wonder what's wrong with me.