That's kind of how I had been living my life most of my life. In fear. So far away from the edge. I did not want to get another rotten peach. And in recovery it's been taking one risk after another despite all the many disappointments that keep showing up in my life. I can't tell you the amount of job interviews I have been on. They go so well. Then nothing. Nothing. No call backs, no thanks for coming in and interviewing with us, though, we've found someone else. I think shouldn't they be just as lucky to have me wanting to interview with them? Then there is the "I am going to get healthy" sentiment I though I was getting into when I stopped drinking only to learn I was going to get more sick than I have ever been. And now I don't even have health insurance. Don't get me started on men either. Are there even any ripe peaches there? Men that know how to treat women with respect and dignity? Or maybe it's just that one peach or two in my past that has spoiled it all for me?
When it came to growing up disillusionment was a lesson I learned early. So quickly that I think I also missed important coping skills and the capacity to manage them when something turns out nothing like you believed it to be. And what I wanted to believe is that every single peach in this world was sweet, tender, ripe, and safe. And I trusted everyone and everything. And I became a victim to some of the most rotten shit you will ever know. That's just the fact. And it sucked. Yet, I saw everyone around me in my realm acting as if everything in life was one piece of decaying fruit after another and their hearts were so hardened, they might have even been steel. I could not live that way either. So what should I do? I determined at a young age, I would just count on everyone to be honest and tell the truth. Even though most of the people I had known never did. Instead, I supposed that disintegrating people and decomposing morals could be rectified through my love and my willingness towards them to be honest and open, at all cost.
Because of that I have landed face down on a lot of slabs of concrete pretty banged up and most definietely hurt, sometimes beyond what I thought could be repaired. And also feeling disappointed, ashamed, and disgusted. Mostly with myself. And why is that? Why is it that my virtues, morals, and goodness to hope that everyone else is the same make me the bad guy? Make me the loser. Make me the one to feel guilty, apologetic, and contrite. That is bull shit. And I know it, yet I let it impact me in very detrimental ways. Then a couple of days after my rotten peach incidence, I decided to take a chance again. The sour taste from the days before had almost gone. My memory still contained my reactions and my distress that this one too might be a let down, but I took a shot anyway. I found out it was just as delicious as the ones I had had before. And I thought, why am I letting that one peach kill me? Fuck that. I am on a new path. And there are a lot of good peaches in life. I know, because I've had those too. Despite a few bad harvest, there are plenty of other orchards. I just need to find the ones that are going to conciliate me as much as I can appease them. Why let one bad peach ruin everything good in life?
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