My 30 th birthday we ended up there on a Sunday afternoon. The day started out a drag show where I was having some sort of cosmic slushie at 10 in the morning. Then we just continued on and by some time around dinner we were cabbing it around and ended at this place. Inside it's narrow. And dark panelled wood. A crazy disco ball hangs on the ceiling with all sorts of other eclectic decor. Like "blah blah blah owes 60 bucks for a tab and you're forbidden from entry". Super glad I was never on that list. Though I don't know how drunk I could have been any given time. Because you know. Drinking is expensive. But back then pitcher of beer was pretty cheap. Just not the ---- amounts of jäger shots. But oh well.
Oh well. That or when I sat on a Saturday at 6pm for dinner on the 3rd date with the X husband then just some guy and cried all over my food. To drunk to stand and had admitted about an hour before that I needed to find my soul mate. Which wasn't him I said. I always do smile when the same X said "I hope I'm never one of your soul mates. You have too many of them." Still find that fascinating. But. Whatever. He's right. Too many soul mates. But here I am allllllllllll alone. But I'm glad I dropped in today. Because I'm super depressed. That X took off with my kid again. To Chicago of all places. The one where I wanted to take me kid! A promise of many in my sober life. And it's his right. But it's also mine. I keep pretending I'm ok that my son doesn't want me. And how could I ever be "ok" with that. So yeah. I was pretty down today. I'm never going to be okay with this. I've lost so much of his life. You guys are killing me. Slowly. You are. And now you even have my dog. And I'm forking out way too much money to just "survive".
I am holding on. But some days I'm so done. I curse you and I want you accountable. Whatever that means. Because I'm fucking amazing considering all you do to punish me for your fucking problems. Yet I still went to Social Security and filled out your wasted paper questions. You know I deserve benefits. And you're wasting God's earth time and your own fucking souls. So why should I care???? I enjoyed my lunch. Met a nice friend. Someone bought my food (thanks to you whoever you are) and thought it fun how crowded it was getting in there already. I don't drink. I did know that once the vibe was going in that direction I had to bust out. I'm proud of me. Yet so ashamed of so many of you who hate me for it. What the fuck. You thought I'd go to rehab and not do this? Jesus. Grow up.
I saw this awesome bath stuff today. Man. It smells good. If you're a guy I'm pretty confident girls will enjoy it or whatever. Straight or not. It smells fab! The person working that area agreed. She says her husband uses it. I said how awesome. A Husband and one that smells like citrus and cedar. Lol. I don't want two men. But I do want one I can spray good smelling stuff on and be lucky enough to call him Husband. But what do I know. No one wants me....