I just think 43 million for a wedding for one day???? OR could Meghan have turned that down and fed 43 million dollars worth of people. Could that have been a option. Because here would have been mine ain’t no way I’m marrying any guy where no one gets anything they want so I can get all I want . 🌈But that’s me. I don’t need everything I want. I already got it from GOD and it was free. I just asked GOD to please free our world. Amen. Let me tell you. The proof is simple. I’m all alone. All alone. And I didn’t rob you all either for a tiara.
I hope to uncover what’s rumoured or not. I don’t doubt though that this prestine baby shower cost a lot of money. And I think it’s okay for me to want to know why just her. And why I get so angry at all this. Is the only way for Harry to have access to money is if it is for Vegas A royal Wedding or a Morrocan trip that is mostly about what designer Meghan is wearing and eating versus the children this royal event is supposed to fund. Let me just ask this plain and simply to starving children. Do you wish to have food and no longer be scared and malnourished? Ok. If so. Would it be okay if the people giving that money to you just have a Skype session so you can meet them on the computer but you get a lot more cash for food because they didn’t have to fly all the way there with Meghan’s hairdresser👈🏻and all the wardrobe it costs to fuel the plane to fly there. Would that be ok? You might even get more food and extras if all the expenses to get them there never happened. And one day when they really come over with the family they will be more conservative. Just traveling by a regular plane with no high dollar entourage so you can meet them where you too are part of this great big effort. Let me know kids what your answers are.
I just think 43 million for a wedding for one day???? OR could Meghan have turned that down and fed 43 million dollars worth of people. Could that have been a option. Because here would have been mine ain’t no way I’m marrying any guy where no one gets anything they want so I can get all I want . 🌈But that’s me. I don’t need everything I want. I already got it from GOD and it was free. I just asked GOD to please free our world. Amen. Let me tell you. The proof is simple. I’m all alone. All alone. And I didn’t rob you all either for a tiara. I would much prefer not to have to iron out for you all the details of my families pretty bad wrinkles. Yet I can’t seem to get us healthy with out some spray starch and ironing board and iron to do so. Someone has too. And as a daughter of a supposed father who likes to do the same with his book and stories I think it goes to say it runs in our family though I guess unless it’s me authoring my own version for free you all hate it. I will never sell this. I will never go on Oprah and do an interview. I will never use this story for any financial gain. All I want is for us all to have a safe place to heal with clothes we don’t have to walk around all wrinkled up in. Ashamed to be a family who loves eachother and heals.
I’m angry as Fuck at my parents. Mostly for the fact they still want me to believe this is all in my head and that I make this up and what that does to Adam. It’s so horrible to be scape goated by the 2 people who are supposed to love me the most. When I almost died from a 107 degree fever at 17 they said I was faking. So I think their chances with me are over. I just can’t ever think of them as anyone but the 2 most tormented monsters I have ever known but also loved more than anyone I have ever known. And I am sick of it all and what it does to me mentally physically and everything else to betray the unconditional love I’ve kept trying to have with them. But once my child was injured by all these lies too I couldn’t sit back and just allow this. These people let me sit all alone in a psych ward allowing everyone to think it’s all just me. And I just don’t think I can forgive that. Since the dear ole dad is a surfer I thought about what he’d say. If God asked a day with your daughter or a day to surf your heart out. Somehow some way the old dear Dad would try to figure out how to make it both. Knowing it was not both. God said a day with your daughter. Or a day surfing. Put it this way. I haven’t seen my Father in 6 years. And he will make it that it’s me who doesn’t want to see him. That he’s a victim in all this. And I don’t give a Fuck anymore. He can have as many days surfing with the perfect waves. The best rides. And do it every damn day for as long as he lives. I never want to see him again. I say that. But I would want to. Because what girl wouldn’t want their Dad to choose them. But he didn’t. He flat out told be he chose my mother. My son chose his dad. My friends chose the X. Jason chose something else. You all choose everything but me. And tell me I’m not replaceable and that you love me. It’s bull shit. And it’s not how I choose people. So whatever. Choose your vices. Your fancy palace. Your day to surf. Your ugly $2000 heels. Whatever the fuck you want. But funny how I just now saw a man who looked just like Paul on the beach walking. Except it was not. So I am glad that I chose GOD over all of you who don’t even give a shit about me. I picked up this little one minute devotion prayer book in the free library box not long ago. Last night I asked God. Please guide me. He says. Ok. So I go through the book with out looking and open a page with my finger. I land on this worry warts. Oh man. Have I been known to worry a lot. You all call it now my insanity but I really have worried so much about us all for so long. Asking God. Who will save us. Who even cares. I’m here trying to do better so I can save us God. I always hear him say don’t give up. So I stay on path. Even when you say you want me dead or thrown in an institution. When it is “you” wanting to rape my good soul every damn night who’s the sick demented lost evil ones.
I was worried about my safety. And I didn’t want to just go anywhere like to my sacred therapy with just anybody. And if you don’t get that then ask that person at Henrico Mental Health Services who threw me in a psych ward and lied to do it why I’m always scared now. I will never trust anyone at first ever again thanks to her and so many others who knowingly tricked me into a nasty disgusting hell hole. So yeah. I worry. About us all. And I’m glad that I’m leaning that it’s ok to never ever trust anyone again until it’s proven I can trust you. Even though all I want to do is trust you. But you all can’t even trust yourselves because you’re all high and lost. Those who are anyway. The passage last night didn’t make sense entirely. God saying his “peace” isn’t like the peace the world gives. I wanted to know what do you mean. Your answers will come my child. Just wait. And as the series of events have unfolded from that reading last night for me I have my answer now. My peer support stopped by. They told me a little about themself. That her son was murdered. Here. In Wilmington. He was shot. The person to kill him went to prison is now back out. She tells me her son when he answered his phone or greeted anyone always said peace every time. She says he was a loving person. Always trying to help others. So. He always said peace. ✌🏾this was God’s peace only he could give us from one mother to another. ❤️ Anyway. Maybe it’s not a big deal to you how God answers me. Yet I feel like it’s a wonderful sign that with GOD He will do what He does that the world can not. Especially with parts of this world not about healing the world. My mission and my dream is for recovery recycle reform and redemption. 🌈. Not designer shoes. Sorry. Back when I used to have neighbor with almost the same last name Hayden. But spelled it differently.2/28/2019
Hayden is not unusual name. Yet I rarely knew anyone besides my family with that name. So when this man moved below me and said his last name was Hayden too but spelled it differently I really got sick again. Is it related to all this. Only GOD almighty can know. Know about sick men who act healthy and betray woman. But just now I saw his Mini Cooper over at the real estate. I say “his” but you know. I don’t know who that man was looking “just” like him or that actual car. But it all reminds me again that I bet a lot of people were spying on me. Watching me. Seeing what I recalled. And sadly god knows what else. And here’s what I say. To only GOD. This is no longer a world that can be healthy when people lie cheat steal and prey on others but act like that I am wrong for wanting them to stop hurting me. Because you all know the only reason I go “crazy” is when you hurt Adam or any child. You who is a person who hurts and sodomised little boys or girls and you are a grown man to know better. You really are not a person here for a community that loves and cares for others. I am that woman who cares. And I do need to be who exactly I am to care. So don’t spy on me and act like you are because then you just saw me naked with out me consent. 👍🏻📡
I do want to save everyone. Including the bad guys. Yet Ted Bundy kept killing every time. Even after he was caught and escaped he still killed. It was not until his own imminent death did he finally cry and show remorse or so they say. So the only thing insane about me is that I thought any serial killer would be fixed with out first asking do you even want to. I am a woman of God and I do not nor ever will allow rapists to control my health. I ask and pray to God to make these men accountable for the choices they make when they take a child. It’s only ever them now to decide if they want healthy and love. ❤️🌈 Wheter Paul or Kathy are willing to explore this with me it’s obvious their silence determines they don’t care. If my son ever came to me with questions that made him doubt authorities or a system damn straight I’d be his best advocate. Like back in 5th grade when his teachers permanately wrote on his hand how many laps he had to run at school recess. Hmmmmmmm. My blood boiled a bit that afternoon. I mean we doing corporal punishment on kids and branding them like a slave or a holocaust victim. I was pissed as fuck. Especially because these kids were just 5th graders. So tell me. What is this. I was the only parent to speak up. Another parent emails me and says thank you. You know I just couldn’t say anything. Why? Why the F not?????
I am going to fight for my children. Every one of them. I am asking GOD to find out. Who of us has been chipped. Either by consent. By military birth. Or at a place no one might have even knew. You mix that chip. Add some lullaby music. Hypnosis technique. Vaccines. Other drugs. Maybe now all these APPS that kids have to make Taco videos. Next you have an entire bunch of children that easily become prey to a pedophile. And with all this “magic” the kid can’t even recall any details of the rapes thanks to hypnosis “wiping” their memory. You have all sorts of age brackets. Then you have the abandoned neglected kids who mom and dad leave alone all the time. On and on and on. Sugar Daddies so happy they get free child porn just like that. All day long on their daddy private channel that just got out🖼🛌🛏🧸🎈⌚️🖥🕹💽📷🎞📹📽📡 I want this GOD. I want this all wide out and open. Men can’t keep their penis in order than let’s figure out why. Can they be fixed. And do they want to get better. And I would think the only way they would would be to come out and tell us all how they did this. As of 1959. Thank you. I’m asking Ronald Reagan to come home please. ❤️🌈 don’t believe. Oh ok. I say a lot. And I do know that will most definitely put me in danger. Yet for a woman I think I’m in danger whether I say something or not. So I started talking so children and others wouldn’t be in danger. I have asked God so many times why. Why. Why do people have to be such assholes. But worse. Why do they hurt someone. On purpose. Especially when you love that person. It’s no wonder that I pick all the wrong people to trust. The people I grew up with all have tricked me in some way. Telling my I’m safe yet making that promise knowing I’m not. And still I kept taking their hand. What other choice did I have. Can a 3 year old up and move out and ask for a new mommy and daddy? They can try. Yet you all know it never happens. I was taught to settle for a very sick toxic and extremely dangerous kind of love. It’s al I’ve ever known outside the love for God and His love for me.
It’s no real shock that my one highlight of my week is now all fucked up too. Every Th @11 I have my therapy. And my peer that went with me along with my therapist these last few weeeks actually were making me have hope. Now my peer is gone. Where is she. Is it related to me. Hmmmm? You all playing this game again that you love. Give me a lithe love than take it away. Nice play Weeners...yet let me ask. Why you get cut off. Because you like sex with children? Well. Seems like a good reason to keep you all safe. But like Gloria Fresan or whatever her name was says on my blog you’re never going to make it. I think she meant that too many evil people hate me and will always do something to stop a good thing. Wow right. The good news with me is that I’ve pretty much adapted to sad changes. Dissapointments like not going to college or not marrying the guy I love. On and on. Yet all that is nothing compared to what I did get. And that’s a beautiful son Adam. So there’s really nothing more that I want then to be fed sheltered and kept safe so my son has his own mother alive and and we can be able to share this journey as much as a mother and son do. I mean. I’m not a clingy mother. My son should be free. And free to love me whatever way he wants. So ye can’t knock me down. But keep trying. I will ask GOD speed to move this all in His hands now. No offence to the new peer support that says she will take me to therapy. But since I never met her I don’t want to get in a car thinking it’s her and it’s actually someone else hired by hit men who want me dead or worse captured. Nope. Not going to take that risk. Right R Kelly. 🤷🏼♀️I just say that as I think it’s smart to be safe. I am ok to be paranoid after someone said oh god. They ain’t killed you yet? So when I meet the new peer support and feel good about that. Then you all can get your rainbow. I already got mine. It’s all of you. ❤️🌈 Last night before falling asleep I got into watching this A&E program about the biography of Donald Trump and the Trump DYnasty. It was fascinating. My favourite part was Donald on a helicopter or private plane and being interviewed. The reporter asked what do you want to buy referencing the City of New York below him and he says everything. She says of course you do. I about died laughing. He sounded just like the 2 years olds I used to teach. What do want with everything little Donnie???? I might have asked! What will you do when you buy this house. What will you do when you buy this store. What will you do when you buy this warehouse. What will you do when you buy this building. What will you do when you buy this hospital. What will you do when you buy this little tina apartment complex oh ho ho ho ho Mr. Trump how do you do now all grown up? Did you buy it all Big Daddy!? Wow. I hope so because now you get to take care of this great big world you giant gentle man. I mean you are a care taker right if you buy all this stuff? You are just like my Papa God EH?
Well well well Cohen and Company. So in 2016 your attorney didn’t try to stop all this until he was arrested. Your big bad things eh? Whatever. What is a preschool teacher now even doing trying to make a grown man see the same principles I taught and teach to a 2 year old. So fuck it. You men want what you men want and here I am thinking you are smart kind and ready to be a father to your kids. You all just don’t get it. Me me me me me. You say that’s how I am. Yeah. Right. One thing I know is that I am one amazing child of God. I am stern about truth and honesty and no cheating. How can anyone get that much money to buy everything. Seriously. Tell me. Because I’m going to do it!!! I’m going to ask God to buy it all so I don’t ever have to have a man fuck me. Fuck me over and Fuck my kids. Ye hear me. You all must be out of your damn minds to be a man and not feed shelter and safe woman and children. I am so sick of these men who think they can do whatever they want because another man says so. Have you ever heard God say so? And if you ever hear God say that I will ask God make sure you never hear that ever again. I woke up at 2am. God says is Trumps Grace time. That he’s going on the righteous amazing grace sails. God. That would be epic. See what kind of president Trump is and how he’s going to leave a legacy. My thinking is that if he had a dynasty then that’s a great way to match my dreams of having a safe haven for my girls to finally be free. Trump. You want to be that kind of Man. One who uses his money for the well being safety and shelter of woman who have been slaves for sex. And let me tell you. When these woman and their children get a place to live it will be beautiful. In addition all treaty land is going to get some major funding too. As well as any project housing. Put it this way. In fair square pretty much every where you drive it will look like a Trump Dynasty on his big cash not a Dump Tynasty. No one will ever again say this is a bad area to live. I mean that is what you should do when you can buy everything right? Make it nice for all. Or is that just me me me me me. Who thinks that. ⛵️ This photo looks identical to Rehab Guy. I studied that man daily. I knew his features very well. I watched him every day with big adoring eyes and sometimes pictured what it would be like to hold his hand (other than for a serenity prayer 🙄) or just fit right in the crook of his arm. I’m guessing he was 6’3” maybe almost 6’4” and I just thought that was hot. I am a foot shorter than him. So I’m like the short girl with the tall guy when we walked around. And we were inseparable. At treatment. We just got along. I really did also work so hard. In my meetings and sessions I focused my ass off. I didn’t play with my son’s life or tell therapists what sounded good. I was honest. I didn’t dick around. Maybe that’s why I never went back out to drinking. I am just naturally a fun person so to have a cute guy to go for a run with or sit for some fritos and watch TV side by side or listen to him talk or have a camp fire... it was just the better part of some really sad hell.
I’m down today. Here’s why. It’s not bipolar. It’s what the Fuck is going on. That’s all. I mean I told everyone that therapy and all this I would do yet you can’t keep shutting me up when I talk. And once again I have someone who has heard my story now no longer in my life. Vanished and gone. No where to be found. At least for me. I spoke to my supposed best friend from growing up recently and tell her all I’m suspecting and she says wow why isn’t anyone helping you with this. Gee. Maybe because the entire Airforce would have to own some shit. Now I just go right to voicemail. Typical. The thing is I am so much more frustrated for people that think ignoring this makes it go away. And I guess most of you aren’t as strong as me when it comes to learning all that goes on to you and definitely your kids while you sbd they sleep because it’s not just me being victimised. I just don’t know how to shake sense into a lot of you. So I’m down today mostly worried if anyone cares. So I like to talk about that. All of it. When you’re down you can look at everyone and think they are doing to much better. They have no problems. And some really will pay a lot of money to make it appear so. The reality is I know typically we all are down. The human energy in this world will seek all it can to try to absorb the pain and suffering going on around us until we try to fix it. I think people like me who they call an empath probably experience that energy more than others. I’m naturally sympathetic to most others. I read about a dog getting shot and I’m crying like it’s my own dog. I just attach to it all because I feel related to it as if I can help or want to help. I miss my rehab friend. I truly almost died when I lost him. I don’t think it’s the first time I have experienced this with him. Some people get really great pleasure in watching another person lose everything in order to suffer. I try to think who that could be and I think it most likely is the man I was married to for 15 years. Maybe he snapped. I don’t know. I have seen a lot of men who lost their control around me because they never can seem to feel good with me and they did really bad things to me because of it. So I know it happens. Woman are the victim to this all over the world. I don’t want to think the X hates me yet he’s never honest with me. And he plays mind games all the time by taking my son from me and I’m always at his mercy. You all know it’s true. And sadly you don’t get involved or you sneak and do so because you love to hurt me because I know all you are are drunks. 👍🏻 As for Harry and Meghan there’s just such a dark cloud around them. The never ending saga of what this one couple has going on. It fustrates me to no end because even the people I love I never need to know every detail of their marriage yet I guess that’s because when you are friends with people they share that stuff anyway. There’s no ok we are only telling the sex of the baby to you but not you. I forget how dumb that is. If I am telling people what I’m having and then next a stranger ask me at Target I would tell them too. I guess I don’t play games. But everyone does with me when it comes to the people I care about. When memories come up of photos of me from last year or anytime I am struck by my really attractive looks. Maybe I am really just that into myself these days. The last 5 years really that devoted to me in order to avoid another man telling me I’m not enough. When I am. Damn it. I am. I love my mind and how I cope with all this chaos. Tell me how you’d do if your EX kept you from your child. Even just the ability to know he’s ok. I have never seen a report card. I have never been told if my kid has a romantic life. What his interests are. Nothing. The X excludes me from it all. And worse you back him up and blame me. Why try to fight that. I don’t have money. I don’t have family. I don’t have friends. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t want to hate the X. My son needs me to just get better and hope the rest of you don’t get worse. So I just cope.
One day I know God will show me why all this happened and what the great big picture was. I trust God. I know I’m so amazing and that’s why I prefer the relationship most with myself because I don’t beat kick or strangle me. I don’t rape me. I don’t trick me. I don’t lie to myself. I don’t lead me on. I don’t end sex with out really great satisfaction. I don’t act like a jerk and I don’t drink smoke or mess with my life. So I think it’s just something you all appreciate about me or you don’t. I think companionship with someone who respects me for that would be amazing. Yet I have not met him. Don’t know if I ever will. Being all alone is still a million times better than being a wife. ❤️ I truly mean that. Being a wife to that man was hell. Just which man from which life we talking. All of them. |
AuthorHi, I am Tina. I am a Divorced Mother of one son. I am a recovering addict. I am Bipolar and had a severe psychosis breakdown this year. I blog every day. I love Art and creating Art and I hope to inspire others through my writing and the things going with rebuilding my life. Please feel free to leave a comment. I hope to change the world by letting you see what myself and other brave survivors are like! Archives
April 2023
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