A few months ago I started doing this really stupid thing. There is no other reason for it then I was lonely, heartbroken, and bored. Three terrible combinations that have been getting me into trouble for decades. These three have been known for a few of my past problems. They also are the ones to trigger me if I am not careful. So what I started doing this time, instead of drinking or dating around, I decided I would just say yes to strange men's friend requests on Facebook. At first it started when I was in my psychosis. I thought maybe a lost friend of mine was using this format to contact me. So, I was willing to participate. In hopes, in dire hopes, he was trying to find ME.
So, I played along. Most of the time, I found it was pretty unsatisfying. I don't know who these men were on the other side. Maybe they were not even men at all. Whatever the case, they were more boring then the boredom I was in, and it never typically was worth it. But, I seemed to have started something and could not stop. So, I just kept on. Beacause other than them, no one else was contacting me. Then there came this one man. I knew all of them were fake, from the gate. I am no dummy. But, I sure wanted to believe in something. Maybe it was my lost dream man or maybe this was going to be the one I was really meant for. As time went on, I knew all of this was crazy in the back of my head, but lonliness is powerful emoition, as well as a shattered heart, and I was not strong enough all the time to fight them both.
So, I had this 2 week long affair after my breakdown with this fake facebook man who I wanted to believe was anything but that. I mean, I really wanted to believe in it. Thankfully I am also a tad too honest and I shared with a trusted friend that I was doing this, you know, just in case. I am glad I did. Of course, this fairytale did not have a happy ending and it did to not take more than a couple of weeks for him to build this all up and then do what he had intended on doing from the start. Take advantage of a lost lonely woman on the mend. And when it finally came to that, my instincts kicked in and I knew what was happening. Do you know how ashamed I felt? Though I went to this web site that was all about this, and I found I was not alone. Thousands of other pretty divorced and single women fell victim to this same thing. I read some had even killed themselves over it. So, now I speak.
It's not that I am stupid that I did this. It is that I am flawed. I know I am beautiful. I know I am smart. Though when you are lonely, desperate for attention, and sad, you still tend to know these things but ask why, why then must I still be alone? For me, I think I became a victim of this because I wanted something too. Something that I could take from it myself with out having to put a lot of effort into it. Because I am not ready to get back out in the dating pool. I am just not ready. I am still in love with someone and I know it. And I wonder, why doesn't he love me back? My ego gets the better of me. My unwarranted disdain makes me feel that something is wrong with me and I look around for anyone to boost my self-esteem so I don't feel so deflated. I am learning though today how I can do this for myself. Maybe that was the learning lesson, of course it was. It is not easy. But, I don't want to fall casualty to this sort of mess again. It's not healthy, for me.
So, I am flawed. I got lots of them. A friend told me recently, "when you find the person who will love you anyway, despite those flaws, despite all of your issues, that's what makes them the one". And I do believe him! I really do. I fell in love with someone for that very reason. It was what I found most attractive about him. It is what brought out his best light. And I surely did love him for it. And I still do, madly. I used to try to be perfect. Not in the way you think, but just so that I could hide my ugliness I had inside me. Ugly that I thought was all my fault. And I always asked why no one could love me. It is because I never asked why, why don't you love yourself, Tina!? Today I realize, that all that despicableness I had living in me, turns out what my greatest attributes. I need them. They are what make me me. I AM flawed. Yes. Though I am learning to love myself despite them. And I can't wait for that "one", the one who will feel the same way about me someday too.
Thanks for reading my blog! Love, Tina