Im an artist. I am an artist. I don't make a cent from my work. Though there is no denying it's signifance despite people think it's okay to take a painting inspired by God and throw it in the local land fill. Or that I've given away a lot of my work. Or that people commissioned my work then never paid for it. My art does not hang in a museum by the humans standards. It hangs in mine. Everywhere. And what will become of it when I am gone. What will people say then? Will they too destroy it. Will it hang one day with the other greats I believe my work belongs with. Does that matter when I tell the world that either way, I am still an artist.
I am Mom. The greatest gift I have ever had. Motherhood. And I don't ever see my kid. But does that too make me less of a parent? Because everyday I make decisions to be the best Mother I can be. By not drinking and staying on God's path. I used to live with my child and rarely was I present in his life. I wanted to be. I was not though. Though I carried this child in my womb. I birthed him into the world. And he will always be my kid. Even if it seems we are so far apart.
I wanted independence. Most definitely. I needed to be a woman. Not someone's punching bag or trophy wife. Not that that's always been the case. I just could not settle for the type of wife I was. But I was a wife. I took the role seriously and I really tried to be a good one. I can promise you that. And because I failed at that chance does it mean I never get the chance to try again? And can the two go together? A wild woman tied to her wild man? Because it is what I want. It's what I want to believe I can have. And why could not two wild lovers be happy together?
I wanted to find my soul mate. And my God. I found him. The most beautiful man I've ever seen. So why does that mean I am not worthy? Because I found him and I was so tattered and torn and so was he? And if he does not want me does that mean I'm not soul mate material? I found him. My heart said it was so. And if I am wrong than am I to be happy knowing that a soul mate for me does exist somewhere out there? Because all these wishes came true...in a sense. All my dreams came true. Yet I'm not quite there...
I must remember right now my biggest wish of all was to always be content in God's arms. Because I am sick of looking over the edge and wondering, what if? I have done all my what ifs. My intentions are clear to the Universe. I am a mother. I am a wild beautiful independent woman. I am an amazingly talented artist. I am in love with a man. I am here. I am alive. I am God's daughter in the here and now.