I am so grateful today I don’t escape anything anymore. I don’t smoke it away or drink it away or both. I write all the crazy stuff here that I do with brutal honesty of why I do it. If all I write is true no wonder I’m so fucking depressed. To know my family wouldn’t care at all to have me get the Justice I deserve. That a friend from rehab that I love so much could not even care if I’m ok. That the X can’t even respect me for the mother he knows I am. Who cares anymore about the wife he lost. Have some decency for our kid that his mother loves him with all she is. I have been asking Doyle since February to see Adam. That’s 3 fucking months since I saw my kid. I mean I’ve accepted as well as I can that he broke our agreement and that Adam is happiest with his Dad though I’m pretty sure he wants to see his mother again. Poor kid. He doesn’t deserve this. And the root of my depression is always about what I can’t control. I’m not going to play court house in the state of Virginia with a bunch of black face paint racists.
The best thing I can do is just accept that the things I can not control are actually where I will find the most satisfaction long term. My sobriety will get stronger. My tenacity stronger. My heart stronger. My soul stronger. And all the fear will weaken because in this release of the control is where God does all I can not. It doesn’t feel like a short term fix but I’m not looking for that long term anyway. Long term, I want eternal life. With my child. With my life. With my GOD. So I just accept all of this. Knowing that we don’t have to have depression but I don’t want the alternative until I know what has taken place. ❤️Depression is an indicator I believe that God is doing something big.