Nothing like going on job interviews to make you feel like shit. To make you feel stupid and imcompetent. Even though I kept my child alive for 12 years and worked full time from the moment I got out of highschool so I could take care of myself and took college courses. No, I never graduated from college. No, I have not worked a full time job in 12 years. An even worse, I have no idea what I want to do. Even though I do. I do know, yet I don't know how to do it. I barely know how to get out of bed and remember to take my medication some days.
I just spent 2 hours trying to revamp my resume. This was after yet another interview where I was basically like one big loser trying to sell myself on how I need a job. Any job. And I have experience. I have experience not just in working, yet working to keep myself alive and healthy every day. If there were some way to track that on my resume, I bet people would be knocking down my door to have such a dedicated and highly successful woman like myself. Yet, instead, I have to work to sell me and do so when I can barely keep breathing some days. And after this interview I came home deflated, again. I got in bed and slept for 4 hours. Who does this? I guess I do.
And when I woke up I knew I didn't want to be this person. Though this person is so exhausted! So tired that I can not even describe to you how much. And I am not weak at all. I am anything from it. So, I got out of bed and told myself I am not going to succumb to this depression. Not another day, please! I came down to the public office at my apartment complex and spent the next 2 hours taking all the notes about my pathetic resume and tried to fix it. And then this program was one of those that takes all your stuff and then charges you all this money to use their program. And maybe that is worth it in the end, though I am on a budget. And damn it, it would have been nice had you told me this from the start. And while I contemplated all of this, I lost my work. What the hell.
That bottle of wine sure is looking good right about now. And top that off with pictures of friends online driking and having fun just ads more misery. It's no ones fault I have this disease. Diseases. Though why is it my fault too? And what can I do? I want someone to hold my hand and just take this all away from me. I don't have a life right now. I don't have people to hang out with. My son is not involved with me right now because of my breakdown, and I don't have a job to make me feel worthy. What am I doing wrong??
And it all boils down to where I started. Why I started this in the first place. Because I have to continue to go back to the one thing that truly stuck with me when I was at treatment. This is a life or death situation. If I drink, I will be dead. I might have a job, I might have my son, though I will die from alcoholism. I don't want that. Never. The mortality rate of Bipolar Disease is not very favorable either. And though it may not look like it to the recruiters of the world, I work my ass off every day just to stay alive. And I want to be a successful writer and I want to show my art. I just don't know how to do much other than breathe today. And I guess that's what I am doing.