I was able to rehash, again, my sordid life over the last few months and years. And answer a lot of her questions about everything that had happened since I had last seen her. Luckily for me, she was eager to hear.
The same occuring theme kept popping up. How is it that heartbreak took me to my final down fall. I feel compelled to say here that just for the first time today, I acutally thought I could use a really good shower. Like with a brillo pad. You know, to clean me off all of the utter lunancy I created over this one man. This one person I thought was going to save me. I am starting to really see it all so clearly now for what it is. What is was. And the instability that came from the craziness it put me in, and it bemuses me to no end. I am now officially obsessed with why I was so obessed in the first place.
My friend told me this evening of some advice a male friend gave her in regards to being left heartbroken and it was this. You probalby will never know. He will probably never tell you. That is just how it is. And honestly, would it truly make a difference. And I thought to myself as she was telling me all of this, her friend is absoultely right. It probably would make no variance at all. To be unwanted is cearly just as specific no matter if it were wrapped up neatly in a perfect little box with a bow. And rejection is rejection. And when you are already so vunerable and emotionally percarious, it would have made no difference what so ever.
Yet, I still want to know why! And I wonder would it really help me and all the bewilderment I am in. Was I more infatuated with an ideal of something, or was I truly so in love that I gave up everything of myself to prove it? I don't know. And this dead horse that lays in my head is really getting a beating bad.
And addiction and insecurities feed on this constantly. And I know I must stop. I must stop trying to decode something that I will most likely never have the answers too. I must stop the constant letters that beg for an understanding. I mean, I like to think I am not such an irremediable woman that I can not regain appropriate compusure when it comes to love. Yet love can make us all do the most brainless acts. I wonder if I want to know so badly because when my friend asked me tonight, do you think this will happen to you again, that you will have a break down again. I want to say no. I want to say that I am stronger now. That I won't let my heart make the same mistakes again. And It is not just about loving something else or someone else that makes me question my confidence that I won't break another time. It is that I do not fully understand it all to begin with. How all of this came about. How it can be to break down like I did at all. You know, explain, what the fuck just happened to me!? And what is there to learn from it?
Maybe as each day goes on and the further and further I get from this pain, I will have more gains than losses. And more of my grounding will come back that I Iost so much of recently.
It's been a lot. And I can only tell my story. Let's hope it continues to have some silver linings. I am finally beginning to believe, I think it will!