When rehab told me he was a cutter I just listened with every bit of me I could. He told me with no embarrassment that once he cut an entire square out of the flesh of his arm. I didn’t say a thing. I sat there and listened to him and literally watched a version of my soul reach out and touch him there. If he had never told me this or not thought to take his shirt off later to show me I would never guess this very sad dark painful side of this beautiful man I’m a creep I’m a weirdo ... that’s what we think about someone that does that right. But I know better. I knew this man enough to know he hurts just like me. I don’t cut myself. I don’t self harm. But apparently in some ways I do. I’ve nailed my elbow to hell too to a side of a wall. Trying to beat the hell out of plaster and not someone’s face. I can’t help this anger. It’s been building for so long. I imagine it has for Harry and my rehab too. We shoved it all down trying to be perfect like we look. ❤️
It is why I speak. My Adam might be like my rehab or my Harry baby. Secretly suffering and no one knows. Or most like his mother. And maybe he’s scared by all the reaction his entire family has of his mom and know to ever peep a thing about his feelings of they are anything like his Mum. Now you all are calling Harry paranoid. Insecure. Feeling unattractive. You’re all such assholes. Stay the fuck away from him. My rehab lost his father at 9 months to suicide. My Harry his Mum at 12 to all you did. This changes a man. Especially if you do nothing to support his understanding of it. So I get it too. All this undercurrent of rage. Why me??? It’s fair to ask. It’s fair to be angry. It’s fair to ask what the hell am I doing here. I don’t belong here. So fuck you all. Fuck you for not getting that in order to have our best men we have to love their worse parts. Fuck you. And Fuck you for taking my son. FUCK YOU.
But if you have a soul. You will get me and why I love Harry. Why I want to protect Adam. Why I’m so pissed off. Why I need your truth. And why instead of fighting you I just take the pain.