Yeah. He walked madly away in love. So he could go love himself. Thays what he was supposed to go do. That's also what my gentle soul would wish for him. Because I love him so much. I want him healthy!!!! I also know my mind body and heart are not as strong as my soul. And I could have done a lot in a short time to take any of the mad love and force it to go anyhow. Because I would have suffocated him completely pushing him to love me madly even if he already was. Because I was too hurt broken shamed and so insecure and it was bound to happen. It already was. And he was no better. But how much does it hurt to be an official intelligent person and in love? It hurts bad.
I know it's so good he's gone. Oh but it's the fucking worst. The best of friend to ever get me. What a double edged sword. And that's what we'd do. With out trying too. Our intense diseases would have cut deep no matter how we tried to avoid it. It just is what it is. But I'm dying with out him. Because at the same time he's been the brightest light of my entire existence. I just am madly in love with him. And I'm sick again of people not getting this sort of love. Do I understand the risks? Uhhhh. Fuck yeah. Are they worth it? Only someone who's had this knows- FUCK YEAH. You know. Once you have it. There's no going back. Not for me. That loser who trashed my painting taught me no one is worth it. But even that I have to appreciate because it brought me fully back to my heart. But most especially kept my soul safe. :) So how can I complain?
The challenging part to this is not that "he" left. He as in my mate. He has and had every right. He made no promises to me. Ever. All these choices to stay in love I did on my own. He asked nothing of me. He never said I will keep you safe. He never said I love you. He never said I have your hand. He never said I do. None of it. And that's what you all don't get either. Sure he cared for me. But he and I also got what we were up against. I know he's no Saint. But he's the FIRST guy never to take my body and not me. He didn't even touch me!!! The first to put himself first because he had too. The first not to say he would stick around and then take off knowing he had no intention of staying. That was all of you. You all did that. Not him. You all led me on. So go fuck off. I hate to say it. But your damaging my brain by not giving us a chance even at a beautiful friendship. I'm done with you all. I will say it forever. You don't want true love. Your fucking choice. But just because I do, doesn't give you the right to fuck me over.
And only one guy will ever get that. My soul mate. Yes. Why would I look for any one else when I love you. Standing by this. Forever.