Fell in love more with a man than I ever thought possible. Despite he was gone. I loved him still.
Gave up everything so I could be a better Mom. Even if it hurt. I love my son with everything I have.
Kept sober every day for 365 days. Even when I wanted to drink. I love my sobriety.
I lost friends, I lost family, I lost my mind.
Some days I wanted to die.
And here I am in the last day of 2015 and I would not change a single second, minute, hour, day, month, or even the year. Because it brought me back to life.
In 2016 I will look forward to what is to come. Yet, I am going to savor every second of today in this year of 2015. The year I moved out of a home which I had lived in for over 16 years. The year I said good bye to a husband. The year I walked to an Emergency Room in order to live. The year I spent hours alone feeling like I was slowly dying with out the lover I prayed for. The year I woke up and my son was missing from my house. The year I had to pick myself up off the floor alone countless times. The year I truly learned what it meant to love me.
I don't have New Years Resolutions. I have an Enactment. A rite of passage. A deliverance to better days. An approval to be the me I have always dreamed of. A sanction that proves I have a right to be here, just like anyone else. I have a right to love and be loved. A ratification that I have paid my dues for so much. An authorization to receive the dreams I have always dreamed of. An imposition that I will only ever be me. A permission to let God finally come through for me. This is my 2016 Enactment for Tina DeGuzman. I hope you will support me.
I love you all. I love what you have done for me. I love that I can look back on this year that had so much in it and know that love also carried me through. Love that all of you gave me when I reached out. I started off 2015 with no friends. Or So I thought. No Facebook account that was real. Nothing. Except I truly had everything. Something happened when I decided the year before to get sober. To give my life to God. Something said that even if it looks like you will lose everything, you will be wrong, because you will gain everything you ever dreamed of. You will gain YOU. And I am so grateful.
Please be safe tonight. Hug your loved ones. Enjoy everything that brought you here. And if you think that you are not worth it, that you don't matter, that your life means nothing, know you are not alone and I will help you too.
The New Year is not a break from the year before, it is a continuation of every prayer, wish, dream, and desire you have ever had. It is still your time to grab what you have always wanted.
Thank you for reading my blog and blessing to you all for a wonderful 2016! I love you and all you have done for me, truly. Thank you! Love, Tina