And honestly, it is not just about finding Mr. Right. It's about finding everything all over again. Because now that I am sober, my life is a little boring. That's how I see it. Really though, it is actually healthy. And normal. And appropriate.
And precisely where I need to be if I ever want my dreams to come true.
It is hard to fully explain how it is when you go to treatment, unless you have. It's a combination of really tough work and the perfect little bubble. Everyone you meet is just like you. You get them, they get you, and you all just get along. It boosts your ego again because you were not so well received just a few weeks ago in your drunken or drugged addicted life. And it's awesome.
For me at rehab, I felt I was part of a team. I felt I belonged to this righteous gang of people trying to get their lives back on track. It also helped that we all seemed to have pretty similar stories, for the most part. You laughed and shook your head in this agreeable way that said, yeah, I know what it's like to want to die. You have this all knowing understanding how it is to feel so utterly pathetic about how it is your life has spun out of control. Which is why, in treatment, this is your kinship.
Maybe that is why I fell in love when I was not even looking to. Or whatever it was. It happens a lot. For all these reasons. You seem to get each other better than you have before with anyone, or at least that is how it was for me. There is a connection. There is understanding. There is compassion. Plus you are both sober. You are suffering together. You think, you're one of my kind.
The problem is for me, what is my kind? Is it just because we were both sober that this worked out for a short temporary period of time? Is that all it takes for me to link myself with a man or even a friendly companion? I doubt it. Though what it does take, I am spinning around my head constantly. Because I know, I do not want to be alone forever. And there is nothing wrong with that. And I am pretty sure when it happens again, it will probably be with a kindred kind.
This guy was gorgeous. This guy was trying to get sober. This guy got me. This guy was fun, funny, and fun to be around. This guy also changed his mind. I know now it was for the better. Though I still find so much pain surrounding it all. For many reasons, though mostly because the best part, he seemed to get me. Like no one else. And I miss that the most. I think, these type of men could be going extinct.
The deal with being in recovery is that you end up meeting a lot of people in recovery. People like me, struggling to stay sober and deal with life in sobriety. It's not always easy and you are always at risk for relapse. I lost a lot of friends this way. And I wonder, just because they are one of my kind is good for me too?
I consider all of this because, I do, I do want to find love again. I deserve it. I don't consider marriage again in my lifetime right now. I don't even consider a relationship today, because I am not ready. Though I do ponder what I am looking for. I want to be right this time. I don't want to suffer any more broken hearted tragedies. The next time, I want to be in love again, I want to look at that someone and say, "Slide over here, and give me a moment, because you are, you are one of my kind"!