Last night I stopped and chuckled to myself. I mean, here I am, clad in a black visor that I can barely see out of, a work shirt, and pants that I normally would not come close to wearing with any said shirt, and running around like a mad woman handing out smoothies, burgers and fries. Most of it on my skin and clothes. Where have I come to, I thought!? Who am I, how did I get here, and what the fuck is going on? What is my master plan. Then I laugh some more and know, who I am kidding. This is not MY master plan. Yet, I have choices. God gave me choices did he not. I believe in our free will. I used it most of my life to drink myself silly. I am sure this was not God's idea of a successful machination for me. Though I was successful at it, I can tell you that. I was the CEO of my drunken little life. I was a pro. That I can be confident about. Escaping reality from the time I pretty much started my double digits I could drink myself silly. And boy did I have consequences from that. I started a tiny little creek and filled it up with all sorts of pepples and stones here and there that they ended up damning a lot of my dreams. These all stopped the flow of my life and then shut me almost down for good. This was the same choice however that brought me to my knees.
When I got on my knees the next choice I made was this; I give you back my free will God. I need you. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol. And as a result, I was pretty much powerless. No more. I said to God, whatever it takes, whatever I need, please, God, help me. I can no longer live like this. How will my son ever survive if his Mom is living like this??? And then I knew that all those years, all that time, all the hours I spent believing I had no importance, believing to shy away from God was the answer, I knew I was anything but humble yet humble I had been. Too humble to believe that God needed me to be better and stronger than He ever had. Because there was a young man that I had created who needed me too. Though God was not going to force me into doing anything I was not ready to do. Not until I turned 43 years old and and said good bye forever to the one thing, the only thing, the thing, that had made me feel anything for pretty much 30 years of my life. This is what He did for me. Though when I asked him to do whatever it takes, I knew nothing of what this meant. What giving over my free will meant. What quiting drinking all meant. I thought that God would be proud of me for just quitting drinking and that would be all. I had no idea what God had in store for me. How it was that I was going to have to make up for many long years of drinking and set things right. I am grateful that in order to make up for 30 years of hell, most of which I created, that God has not asked me for those years back in return. Our God is kind. Yet, He knows what I don't. And this is where I find my Faith.
Yes, I too have started a brand new life. Though just because I did that, I know that not everything is going to be easy, though it will be better. A better life yes, though I still have so much to learn. I will be 20 months clean in 7 days. That's about 600 minus or add a few days. Wow. Soon I will be 1,030 days sober. I know I will. I will never drink again. How I have had to do this was by giving up a lot. By changing my entire life. It is not as simple as just saying I will no longer drink. No, giving up your free will means that you have to accept that you are not the captain of your ship, and you never were. Though God would let you if you wanted. I don't want that anymore. I know that getting healthy and striving for a better life has come to the terms that I am accepting cirucmstances like I never had before. I see that I might have to take a job, leave my son's side for a period of time, stand up for myself when it is really hard to do so, let go of people, places, and things that prevent me from my best self, and take on some heavy compliances in order to be happy, joyous, and free. God has been waiting for me to do this. I believe He waits paitienly, lovingly, and with all hopes that we do. That we seek from Him what we need. And this is humilty to me. This is why I do all the things I do. To be with Him. To have my greatest life. And to celebrate the joy with someone who has blessed my life through their choice to be humble and receive God's greatest gift.
Thanks for reading my blog! Love, Tina