I connected with a "friend" not long ago. In a desperate attempt to reach out. You tell me I isolate. Then if I reach out with my life's problems I'm told you're too busy. That it's too much. I'm manipulative. Or I asked for this. Though before she took that road herself, this long time friend of mine...she and I reminisced about growing up. She reminded me how in 10th or 9th grade (the same age as my son) that every time we had to run track in gym I'd stop. Pull her aside. Arms on my knees gasping and say I really need to quit smoking. We laughed. At that. 14 years old and I'm gasping for air around a track because I smoked too much. Yeah. Something about that was definitely not funny also.
I am 46 now. And thank God I finally quit some 25 years later. I am 6 1/2 years out of one of the most favourite of all my addictions. So it's no wonder I curse. Have a bit of anger. And a lot of resentment. No drugs. No smokes. No alcohol. No sex. No friends. No family. No kid. No job. No more vices. But I got God. I got my dog. I got sobriety and a fucking will power like you won't believe. And hope. Because before o never had this voice. This ability to create. To express myself. To tell you what really happened to me. Or at least that something did. To believe I mattered enough to share it. And even through all this my desire to kill myself has been lifted. So every day I am giving myself a chance. That even despite all you do to me. I am taking a chance to try and live. And live better. But it ain't easy.
Thank you. I know you back me up. I do. And I am so blessed that you care. You out there who I know see the real me. I am going to remove every single one of you who stand between me and my dreams. You are going to go away from my radar. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. To heal from your toxins you dumped on me will take time. But I am going to clean off. If you really care then you will understand. And you will clean up too. Otherwise just step aside. I'm going to pass you by and your going to wish you had come along with me.