Ok. So I spiced things up yo's on this Friday night. Because I really do want to move forward. All day I thought I shouldn't eat dinner. Because I "feel" fat. It's nonsense. Trust me I know. But I have been feeling this insanely intense self esteem problem rising. It's because I am very insecure. I truly feel ugly a lot even though I know I'm not. But I have had the unfortunate brunt of some really horrible things said to me by various men in my life the last few years and so much before. I am a loser. I am not good enough. Im selfish. Im demented. On and on. It sort of fucks with your ego. Especially because I was really screwed in the head to start. I'm telling you child abuse is detrimental. But I fight it. :)
So...I went to the mall. This mall is not very happening sad to say. It's seen it's better days that's for sure. But it's close by. It has wifi. It's indoors. And I could walk around a few laps and excercise all this "fat" I felt and "earn" dinner. It was good to get out. I'm proud that I try. I know a lot of people in my shoes can be bed ridden when they are in bipolar swings. And I've been there too. I don't belittle that aspect of the disease one bit. Though I do try to battle it in any way I can when I can. Only because I'm truly determined to do whatever it takes. Though some days it has also been sleeping all day in order to survive too.
I think about when he called me. Asked me to come to him. He said I need you. And I am glad that I was who he needed and that I could go to him. Everyone needs someone like that. I wish I could call him and say the sane thing. Because I need him. I really really really do. Though I know I guess I can't. I guess he can't give that to me in return. It's okay. I don't blame him. I just truly hope he did not use me like every other guy seems to have. I won't categorise my ex in that "all the other guys" equation. Because our marriage doesn't compare to any one else. In its own realm-though I needed so much from my husband that I just don't believe he was ever equipped to give me. For whatever reasons I just needed something I am not sure anyone could provide. But I pray that maybe one day there is a man that when I need him. He will come. And I would take it all back just to have you. Maybe. ;).
I love you. Good night. Another Friday night alone but it doesn't feel so lonely. I'm waking up....